I made the mistake of allowing my doctors office (months ago) schedule my routine follow up CT scan this morning. Originally I thought, "why not...it's just another day." Never considering that I am a person who is reminiscent and going through the needle jabbing (4x's) would take me back to where I was two yrs ago. Then, of course, it's reflecting on where I am not at 40 that I thought I'd be by now.
All the birthday wishes were nice and the uplifting comments about turning 40. Honestly, I realize now that I spent the approaching weeks dreading it. I spent today not wanting it to even be here nor did I really want to acknowledge it myself. Why? A few reasons why.
I'm at that halfway point in life and not being where you thought you'd be by now is a reality check for me. I'm the "baby" of my family. Being the baby keeps you as the one that never gets old. My dad has admitted that at 76 he had enjoyment of stating his youngest was in her 30's. Not anymore:( Sorry Dad.
But by mid-day, I pulled up my big girl undies and said, "ok, let's make the most of it." I got out into the yucky weather for a sassy hair cut, bought a large bottle of wine, something yummy to treat myself to, a book I ordered was on my doorstep so I settled into a hot tub for awhile and did what made me feel better.
I think at this moment I am at peace with 40. I needed time to hurdle this one mentally. Tomorrow I will be 40 plus one day so it will get easier. I will think of what I have at 40 and not what I have not...and I do have a lot. I am grateful for such great kids, family, friends and loved ones that know me, care about me and just love me for me.
I'll wear 40 as a badge of honor. I think I've earned this one. I knew nothing at 30, I know so much more at 40 and by 50 I'm guessing the world will have to get outta my way cuz I might know everything:) and I plan to speak about it all!
Hugs & Kisses,
Jennifer
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