Wednesday, January 26, 2011

At Peace with 40...

So today was my 40th birthday.

I made the mistake of allowing my doctors office (months ago) schedule my routine follow up CT scan this morning. Originally I thought, "why's just another day." Never considering that I am a person who is reminiscent and going through the needle jabbing (4x's) would take me back to where I was two yrs ago. Then, of course, it's reflecting on where I am not at 40 that I thought I'd be by now.

All the birthday wishes were nice and the uplifting comments about turning 40. Honestly, I realize now that I spent the approaching weeks dreading it. I spent today not wanting it to even be here nor did I really want to acknowledge it myself. Why? A few reasons why.

I'm at that halfway point in life and not being where you thought you'd be by now is a reality check for me. I'm the "baby" of my family. Being the baby keeps you as the one that never gets old. My dad has admitted that at 76 he had enjoyment of stating his youngest was in her 30's. Not anymore:( Sorry Dad.

But by mid-day, I pulled up my big girl undies and said, "ok, let's make the most of it." I got out into the yucky weather for a sassy hair cut, bought a large bottle of wine, something yummy to treat myself to, a book I ordered was on my doorstep so I settled into a hot tub for awhile and did what made me feel better.

I think at this moment I am at peace with 40. I needed time to hurdle this one mentally. Tomorrow I will be 40 plus one day so it will get easier. I will think of what I have at 40 and not what I have not...and I do have a lot. I am grateful for such great kids, family, friends and loved ones that know me, care about me and just love me for me.

I'll wear 40 as a badge of honor. I think I've earned this one. I knew nothing at 30, I know so much more at 40 and by 50 I'm guessing the world will have to get outta my way cuz I might know everything:) and I plan to speak about it all!

Hugs & Kisses,

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Lately I've been reading facebook updates from some young family members. Tween and teen girls that express a missing of their grandpa (my uncle) who passed away a few years ago now. It breaks my heart to read between the lines of how we all struggle with loss of a close loved one. It doesn't get easy at whatever age you are. But I especially want to share with these young girls a few thoughts of my own...things that I have learned along my 40 year path about life and death.

You see, when I was 8 I lost my mom. It took a few years before it really hit me and how much I missed her. Unfortunately, I didn't know then what I know today so I was one of those girls that made poor choices and searched hi and lo for who she was. I wondered if it would be easier if I had my mom to talk to - like I talk to my 11 year old daughter now and see how gracefully she is growing up.

In my 20's I went through loss again with my grandmother. She was an amazing woman! She taught me most of the craftiness that I am today. I spent summers and holiday breaks with her because I was the girl of the family and my dad knew I needed to have a woman figure to spend time with. My grandmother and I would sit and crochet, play Uno, sew and just talk. She "knew" me and now I think back and I now "know" her, too. She was so much love, she was so graceful and kind and generous. It was so easy for her.

When I got that phone call, I collapsed. She missed many Big Moments of my life! Getting married, my babies... But I know and I feel now that as I morned for so many years this missing...she was and is always there. I have allowed myself to be open to her presence, my mothers presence and also my dear friend Jill's presence who was gone at such a early age.

They are with me and I hear them cheering and encouraging me on. What I do each day in my life I don't just do for myself. I do it for my children...I do it for the women in my life who didn't have the courage, the time, the chance to do it. So if I could give advise to these young girls it would be this... in your quiet time, stop, close your eyes, breathe and open your heart to your Pop Pop. He's right there with you. Feel his hugs. Feel his warmth. See his smile. Hear his words. He wants "his girls" to live their lives happy, full of love and learning all along the way. Imagine him blowing you kisses from heaven. Imagine him when you are faced with uncertainty what would he tell you to do. He is there...just open your heart and mind.

It's ironic, because just this past weekend my dad was here (my uncle was his little brother) and we were talking about him. It's even hard for a man at 76. But as a one who once was a young girl/woman wishing for my mom to be back - wishing for my grandmother's wasn't until bigger events that I realized how much they are with me. So open your heart, close your eyes and imagine all their love, support, encouragement and feel him close to your heart.

Hugs and kisses!


(your welcome Uncle Wally! Love you, too:)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Overcoming FEAR...

A few month ago, a story came to me after I created designs of my angels. I love this story! It's a children's story about a little girl named Jenny and her 3 rag dolls. It has some sadness, smiles and truth to my life in every sense. I hope to share it with everyone someday. I'm working on the illustrations, too, so it may be a little longer before it's done but here's a glimpse of the cover.


For months and months now I've been holding back on myself. Fear is such a real...thing! I spent years living in fear. Fear of the unknown, am I good enough, what will people think of me changing careers again, what if I'm not good enough, it just seems like too much work for one person. Those voices of questions ramble on and on and kept me stopped, unsure of a direction, hopeless. Overcoming the fear has been a roller coaster. One month I'll be on top of the world and knowing I CAN do it, who cares what they think, so what if I'm not a good as her. Then the next month...road blocks, self sabotage, responsibilities get in the way and the dreams go out the window. Then, restart button...again.

Enough of this cycle! I'm going moment by moment, day by day and checking off each bullet on my lists to move my life in the direction of my creative dream business. Yes, I know it can be done. Others have done it. I see the vision of the Big Dream and I'm restarting the steps again and keeping it simple. As simple as simple can be for this dream.

Patience Jennifer...that's what I hear now and oh how I have learned patience over these forty years and I'm still not very good at it. But I'm learning and I continue to learn as I have to...without fear. I have social networking to learn. The do's and don'ts. I have specific marketing I need to learn more of. I have new programs to learn. Somedays it feels like too much but little by little I am learning. Besides, all we have is time on this earth...why not learn something new as often as we can and not fear the unknown.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings:)...

Love you all!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Can I have a RESTART button?!

Tick, tick, tick...15 days until 40! I think I may be having my own mid-life crisis. LOL. I don't want a sports car or a 25 year old boyfriend...I just want my dreams to come to fruition. To me it doesn't seem like I'm looking for that much but to others that may be just what they are...dreams.

I started making them happen last year. I was inspired and ready to take the leap and have faith. Then...I got in my own way again and again and again. It's like this weird pattern. I'm not going to sit and analyze it...I'm just going to move on and restart again.

I'm working on my angels...they are cheering me on...again.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Year of Possibility

This year I have decided NOT to make ANY resolutions. Every year I have written out some resolutions. Started them early in the year then dropped the ball somewhere during the year. So this year I have decided to NOT make ANY resolutions...or maybe I did without realizing it:)

This year I have decided to not plan. To take my life day-by-day, moment-by-moment and see what happens. I'm not driving this boat really. I'm not in control of what happens so why set myself up for something to not go how I have planned it to go and to be disappointed. I do have my visions, their timeline is nothing that I have control over. So this year I have chosen to "LET GO." To see where everything business ventures and visions, my finances, my love life, my friendships, my possibilities.

I'm embracing different this year and whatever comes my way!

Best wishes followers for a year full of possibilities!