Here I stand (or sit really) over a year later from dealing with some of the most horrific events of my life (so far). I have watched many people come and go and I'm sure many more in the future.
I woke at 5am this morning. Only God knows why. I have a lot on my mind I guess you can say. Mostly I was sticking to my sheets and just couldn't deal with it any longer. (Enter crazy thoughts of that being a symptom of Lymphoma and this is the week for another CT scan follow up. Is it back? Please God no!) I google every ache and pain now. Maybe I've become a bit obsessed over the past 5 years with health concerns. But when you don't feel yourself and no blood test tells you otherwise you start to go a little obsessive.
Anyhow, I have no idea why I'm here or what I'm going to blog about. I feel as if I have accomplished nothing in this past year but waste time and blew the money I had. Now once again I'm standing at a crossroad. 39 years old and this sucks! Yes, I've been reminded that I have accomplished a lot. So please don't email me or post that I need to look at the brighter side. I do look at the brighter side. Ok, sometimes the overly optimistic, faithful to the core side...and when you get nothing...well...you get frustrated.
Here is where I will tell you all the things I am grateful for in my life:
• My fabulous children who keep me going everyday!
• My daughters silliness and the bond that we have with each other.
• My son and the leaps and bounds he has done in maturing his behavior towards me.
• My dear friends who continue to try and help me with words of encouragement.
• My parents who have their own aging health issues at hand but still support me in any way possible.
• My soon-to-be-ex-husband (takes forever for a divorce) and his sacrifices for us to keep on. Even in a sucky economy.
• My dear new friend and confidant:) You have shown me that I am lovable. Ok, maybe the whole package is hard to accept completely but atleast I know that I am lovable and capable to fully love, trust and accept someone...someday...if and when:)
I'd say I'm grateful for the house, the car, the food on the table but...well...we all are and those are so small to me at this time. The house for one thing...has to get sold. It has sucked me dry this year. The car...well...that is a sore reminder of a past mistake and still costs me each month...and more than it should. The food...it is essential. And I am grateful that each day I can make a meal for myself and my children and pray to God for the gratitude of nourishment to our bodies. (ok...maybe a little too much since I've pack on a few extra pounds lately and am cruelly reminded of how easy it is to put on and how stinking hard it is to get off...at 39! LOL)
Well, maybe this is what I was suppose to do this morning. Vent! Vent to all of you who read this blog. The crossroads? I have to find a full-time job at this point and simplify my life. I do love my business but I can do that on evenings and weekends. So...should anyone know of something...I am OPEN. There I have said it! Now let the doors of opportunity fly open and expel possibility all over.
Thank you dear friends!