A Beautiful Space

For years now I have been helping many people create beautiful spaces. I’ve been fixing their problems and helping them decorate their homes to reflect their style. Never would I have guessed that I’d be creating a beautiful space for myself. I’m not talking about my home, I’m talking about my mind and my heart.

This journey has taken me to new levels. I continue to grow. When my husband and I met we were so young. In our early twenties. I had no idea who I really was at the time nor what love really was. I had an interesting upbringing that created me. My life has been so blessed to know the man of my dreams. He is a deeply, profound person, very insightful. He tried to teach me things over the years that I did not appreciate. That I could not understand. I understand now why God brought him into my life.

My heart and mind are creating a new space. This takes a little bit of time. It won’t be perfect but it is beautiful. It is somewhere on a soft, sandy, white beach. I am with the ones that I love so deeply. We are walking hand in hand. We stop to play in the water and laugh. There are shells along the edge that we pick up. Each shell looks so different yet they are all clustered together. Some have soft edges, some are rough. The years in the ocean have changed them but they are still beautiful. Now the shells are picked up by our hands and put into a bucket to go home. They will be washed clean and set somewhere. My children and I may make something out of them. Something new.

Each day is a new adventure, a new beginning. Seize it and make it yours.

Broken

In stressful times, we find ourselves doing and saying crazy things. We find ourselves grasping for anything that might fix something or someone we love. It’s just what we do.

When something of value breaks you try to fix it. Anything is fixable. You may have to use more than your own hands to fix it and it may take extra glue and time for the glue to dry for it to work again. It’s not going to work just like it did before it broke. And you may need to pay money to have someone help fix it. But if it’s valued enough you will do anything you can to fix it.

I don’t think that just because something is broken it can’t be fixed with effort. Glue, band aids and tape may not work very well. They can hold it together for awhile but it can still leak. When that happens you don’t have to throw it away completely – especially when it’s something of value. You can put it on a shelf for safe keeping and take it out once in awhile and look at it and remember what it meant to you.

And who knows, maybe when you are out one day you may find something just like it. Then you can take it home and play with it, use it again. Never throw away something that you value so much just because it’s broken. There might just be another use for it.

"Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy." - Janet Long

Step 1: Looking in the Mirror

Today, I looked in the bathroom mirror after my shower. I’ve looked at her before. I’ve looked at her everyday. But today was different. I noticed more of her. I looked beyond the dark circles around her eyes, the thinning hair, the disappearing eyebrows and eyelashes, the now permanent creases on her face from 38 years of living and 5 months of chemotherapy. She is beautiful – and I told her so today. She is amazing and full of life and possibility. She has learned a lot but has more to yet learn. She doesn’t need to hide anymore. She doesn’t need to wear a mask over who she is.

She deserves to be healthy. She deserves to take care of herself and put herself first. She deserves someone to love her for who she is and not who she was. She deserves to be heard and accepted of her opinions. She deserves to have everything life has to offer. She deserves to love herself and to be loved.

She is no longer that little girl missing her mommy. She is no longer that young teen taking physical and verbal abuse from young boys because of how she looks. She is no longer that young woman who doesn't know what love feels like because true love wasn't received while still young. She is letting go of all the hurt, sorrow, disappointment and pain that has been carried around for 38 years.

Today feels like spring...the perfect time to plant new seeds in my mind and see how they grow - to see how “she” grows. It is the perfect day to tell everyone that you love them but most importantly to tell yourself that you love YOU.

“Love is the highest form of acceptance, and judgment is the hard rejection of that acceptance.” – from the book Unattended Sorrow by Steven Levine

Time for Healing

My doctor informed me that my treatments are going very well. I am healing. Now, if only, I can heal my heart and my soul.

I have been using this time to reflect and get in touch with my true self. The funny thing is, I have been trying to do this for so many years. In a way, this crisis has been an odd blessing, it has given me the chance to really get to know myself. To let go of the old and the idea that you have to look and act a certain way to be loved or to love yourself.

I have always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman. Those who know me would certainly agree. But deep inside there was a little girl who just wanted to be taken care of. She just wanted her mommy to hold her and tell her everything will be ok. She mourned the death of her mother once again – for a final time. She has been mourning the death of forever love. Now this strong, independent little girl is learning to love herself, forgive herself and move on by herself should she have to.

I thank everyone who has been following my blog and continue to do so. I have not responded to your comments because I simply wasn’t ready to. I’m still not quite ready to, but I can only say thank you. My faith has wavered these few months and it still wavers today. However, from each one of you who loves me regardless of what you know or don’t know about me – you are a blessing and a knowing gift from God in my life.

There is still a lot of work to be done within me. With time my wounds will heal.
Many blessings...