It’s amazing to me how you can be around family and/or friends and still feel alone. Even after 17 years of a relationship/marriage there were times during it that I felt alone. However, I have never felt so alone as I have over this past year. Even more alone now than I did during my treatments. At that time I had so many people around me helping and supporting me. I asked for help and I got it. Now I’m rebounding back and feeling more alone than ever. Maybe it’s because I’m not asking for as much help. And maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t know.
I’m so used to having someone to call or text. Someone to talk to about what is happening in my life. But right now I’m sitting alone and it feels weird. There are people that I’d like to call or text but I can’t. They are busy with their lives or work or they are out of my life now and no longer available to me. This is the single life and I’m not sure if I like it. I like being with someone. I like sharing my day to day, my hopes, dreams and fears with someone I care about and who cares about me. I’d like a friend, a lover, a companion, a partner in my life someday. I know it’s time for me to be comfortable alone but it’s not something that I want to do. It’s very hard after so long to be alone.
Sure there is dating and meeting new people. Apparently there are dating rules and I’m not familiar with them. I’m used to relationship and I know what it takes to be in relationship. I’ve learned that. Now I have something new to learn. It is nice to know that there are people out there who are happy to teach me. Sometimes I feel needy because I like to talk so often but that’s me – that’s how I am. I’m trying to adapt to new rules. It sort of stinks because what I want some people feel isn’t where I need to be right now. And who doesn’t hate it when someone else knows what you need better than you…especially when they are right. I now know I need to be alone with myself and ok with it. I sure hope it gets easier.
The mixture of emotions comes and goes from day to day still. There are some therapeutic ways of dealing with all of it that I intend to do again and again until the emotions subside and life moves on at a better pace. Apparently, this space in my heart isn’t to be filled by anyone else but me. Time for me…only…and alone.