Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Losing Faith

What is faith anyway? Why do people say “have faith”? I’ve tried having faith and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’ve prayed and it hasn’t gotten me what I prayed for. All it has gotten me is a big mess and more than I can handle. Don’t you just love the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can handle?” Well, He has. And if He thinks He’s doing it because He loves me – I have to question that.

I’ve been through some crap in my life, but now I’m so far stuck in crap that I can’t even dig my way out. I’m just stuck in it. Stuck facing all the choices, decisions, actions and words that I’ve done over the years. I can’t take anything back. I can’t change what I have done to myself and to people I love. I’ve tried changing myself and finding faith to believe in - only to find myself at a crossroad in life wondering why. Why me? Why all of this at one time? Why?


  1. Those answers are within you. I don't share the same 'religious' path as you. But I believe in Faith; I see it as our connection to a universal energy that binds us to everything.

    You may have not gotten what you prayed for, but you ARE still here for a reason.

    There is a book called 'The Shack' by William P. Young, it helped me work through pain I didn't think I could bear, maybe it will give you some comfort too.

  2. Jen:

    I don't know what to say. I cannot imagine the torment and questions that are going through your mind. I think I would feel the same way. All I know is that there have been times when life seemed so dark for me that I did not think there ever would be light again. I even considered ending it all in those dark places. Some how God showed me a way. I know people prayed for me and I am praying for you.

    If you have nothing else to hold on to, hold onto the fact that your kids need you to survive. Forget about the crap in your life, find something, even as small as a "mustard seed" to hold onto each day. God will find a way when there seems to be no way. He truly works in ways we cannot see. I know these are just words, but it's all that I have right now. If you need more help, please let me know what I can do. I am here for you.

    Your sister in Christ and friend in times of need,

  3. Jen

    My heart goes out to you - i cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling or what you are going through.

    I spent several years being very angry at god for taking a good friend away after a long illness. i felt (and sometimes still feel) how you are feeling now - what good is prayer if it doesn't work, why bother praying at all, why would a "loving God" let this happen, etc, etc etc. 5 years later i am still frustreated at times, however my dad told me something that helped ease my anger a little- he said that bad things are goign to happen and as humans we are goign to be tested. it's not that god is necessarily trying to hurt us but that tought times are part of being human. However god is always there to help you through the rough and rocky times. My dad also reminded me that god's time/timeline is different than our time and he doens't always answer prayers in the order we pray them or in the time that we think is "right".

    Try to keep your chin up - do not be afraid to work with a counselor - sometimes having an impartial person to listen and help you work through things can be really good.

    It may not seem like he's listening, but God is hearing your prayers and the prayers others are giving for you. we just have to be patient and believe.

  4. I heard an analogy once, I wish I could remember where or when or who said said it.

    Even though I have a horrible memory for that kind of stuff, the visual and the lesson stayed with me.

    Imagine life like needlework--cross stitch, needlepoint, whichever. The top is beautiful, in order, structured, and designed. The underneath is a massive mess of thread bunched up, crossed over, ugly, random, and unorganized.

    That's what we see our life as...the bottom side of the needlework. God sees our life as the top, that completed, beautiful design.

  5. I had to come back to say something else because it has been bothering me. People say "have faith" but in the New Testament, it is said that as believers we have all been given a measure of faith and then in a different section it says that when that faith is tested it produces endurance. In yet another place it says we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces endurance; endurance, character; and character, hope.

    Then in Hebrews 11:1 it says that faith is the reality of what is hoped for, what is not seen and 11:6 says that without faith it is impossible to please God.

    All that to say, humans say, "have faith" but their definition of faith is not God's. God's definition includes trials and heartache and pain. That's all something I had to learn on my own, going through some pretty crappy stuff being angry at God for what people misinterpreted. Talk to Him. He can handle us being angry, devastated, depressed, and anything else in the spectrum of emotion we sometimes bottle up.