What Happens After a Storm?

It has been a very rainy Saturday. I have been indoors, alone...by myself...no...sorry, I am never alone. I have been indoors all day going deeper in my relationship with God. It’s almost time for me to go to bed but I felt I needed to end this rainy day on a special note.

What happens after a storm? The skies part open and the sun seeps out slowly. The flowers, after an April shower, begin to bloom into their vivid colors. The grass grows higher and higher, greener and greener. It doesn’t happen overnight...we have to be patient and wait. Some will not even notice. Some will take it in little by little. Others will stop and sit and wait. They will notice the changes going on around them. They will look up to the heavens and thank the Lord for all the beauty that the storm has brought.

In this moment, I am reflecting on something deeper. On May 7th, it will mark my 2 years since I finished chemo treatments from my blood cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. So many people told me to give myself two years to feel better, to gain back my energy again. It has felt like a long storm. But the clouds are clearing and the sun is shining brighter. I feel as if this storm is over now. I have learned many lessons. I have been tested in ways that I can’t even describe. Let alone it would go on and on.

I am grateful to have my strength that He has continued to provide me. It has proven to me who I am and what I am able to endure. It has proven to me that family history and genetics do not have to play a role on anyone’s life. It has shown me true love and that seeking anywhere outside of Him does not fullfill your soul.

My soul is getting cleaner and clearer. The adverse reactions and side effects of chemo drugs are wearing off. The changes I have choosen to make in my diet and exercise have helped tremendously. I feel my body is getting stronger. The aches and pains are not as dominent any more. My mind is clearer and I am getting better balance of my life daily. It’s a wonderful feeling. It has been hard to be patient but I have learned...and will continue to accept what is for now is only for now. It does not have to be forever.

I am grateful for all the support that God has provided my children and I. He is a good God and I cannot speak of anything but His grace, forgiveness, love and faithfulness. My faith has been tested and I have failed Him in the past but all is forgiven and my trust is fully with Him now.

Cheers to brighter days, promises fullfilled, dreams coming true. I’m in the process of closing some chapters in my life for good. I am following His word and listening to Him and His guidance for my path in life. There have been changes stirring within me and my spirit is ready for the first steps. Sometimes it takes a huge storm to discover your purpose, destiny, calling in life.

Blessings to all! Remember when you are in a storm and it’s coming to an end...look for the rainbow and sunshine and then thank Him for the beautiful gifts.

Blessings and love,

Jennifer

Visual Journaling...Never Imagined

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Everyone tells me you are suppose to blog every week and post and twitter and status...blah, blah. I just don't have something inspiring to share sometimes. Sometimes I got nothing but being in a funk and that's not very inspiring.

So I thought I'd share something that I started doing that has helped me through...well...a lot. Two years ago when I was going through a very dark time in my life I started what is called a "Visual Prayer Journal". I would sit in God's word and pull out a scripture and write it down then design, pencil, illustrate all around it - page by page. Doing this helped me grow past my pain and I can honestly look back at these now and see the space I was in. Just like many other things in my life I put it on a shelf...until recently.

As I've been rediscovering my own inner artist again I have restarted my visual journal but in a more positive way. I have also started to teach others on this process and other ways to heal by art. I was asked by my Cancer Center and the Lymphoma Leukemia Society to do workshops on these as well. I never imagined how much 'more' healing I could do myself by sharing with others something so simple...and my story of surviving.

(NOTE: April 26th from 3-4:30pm at the Apple Hill Medical Ctr. Suite 188 & The LLS Conference on May 26th in Hershey, PA at the Hershey Lodge)

It is good to know that you are not alone. I've connected and reconnected with women my age who have been out of treatment for about 2 yrs now and compared notes. Life is different. For some it's different in small ways for others it is different in big ways. Getting through the 'different' takes more time, more healing and mostly patience.

Journaling has been a great source of healing but even more healing for me has been done by writing and illustrating a children's book. It's my own personal story that I was called to do. It's almost ready to self publish and I'm in that space of fear again. Sharing my soul and knowing others may not receive what I have written as a possibility to them is scary. The fear of opinions, judgements and rejection to a writer/artist who is ready to lay it all out there for the world to see just screams fear.

So before I am ready to publish...I must be ready. God is preparing me each day for what may come. I may only sell one book and that may be to myself and I am ok with that. It was written as my way of healing and closing my past pain and I am grateful for the gift of being able to share my story and my visions to others.

God Bless!

Jennifer

The Importance of Being Creative

The Importance of Being Creative

Believe in Miracles...

Prayers are an amazing thing. Especially when they are answered. I have experienced it before and I am experiencing it again. I find it amazing when you were just praying for something...a miracle...and it actually happens.

When you think you are alone in your problems...pray.

When you think God doesn't hear you...pray again.

When you think it's just not going to happen for you...pray more.

Believe that there are amazing people in this world!

Believe that they are in your life and willing to help.

Believe that you can reach your dreams with work and God's help.

Believe in Miracles!

Have faith when you think you don't any longer.

Have faith that you will learn something along the way.

Have faith that He will answer.

Have faith there is light and love at the end.

Hold onto hope in God and His plan for you.

Hold onto hope that He will guide you on your path.

Hope for more Miracles!

We may not understand why when we are standing in the middle of it. We may not understand when we think we are on the other side of it and quickly find out we are not. We may not understand why bad things happen to good people. We must have faith, believing, hope and prayer that God knows us. How personally He knows each of us is up to you.

Light & Love,

Jennifer

Restart Button...

I'd love a restart button in the real world! Who wouldn't? I'm clearing myself of what hasn't worked before and restarting once again. Organizing hasn't been one of my biggest skills but it's there with a little madness of my own attached to the my methods.

Once again, I am restarting where I left off...

www.etsy.com/shop/patterngirl43

It's a temporary site until the fully loaded one is ready. I have inventory and would love to see others wearing/using an item that will reming them daily of "who you need to be". I certainly know I do...mine for today is..."Be true to yourself...and Believe".

Blessings,

Jennifer

At Peace with 40...

So today was my 40th birthday.

I made the mistake of allowing my doctors office (months ago) schedule my routine follow up CT scan this morning. Originally I thought, "why not...it's just another day." Never considering that I am a person who is reminiscent and going through the needle jabbing (4x's) would take me back to where I was two yrs ago. Then, of course, it's reflecting on where I am not at 40 that I thought I'd be by now.

All the birthday wishes were nice and the uplifting comments about turning 40. Honestly, I realize now that I spent the approaching weeks dreading it. I spent today not wanting it to even be here nor did I really want to acknowledge it myself. Why? A few reasons why.

I'm at that halfway point in life and not being where you thought you'd be by now is a reality check for me. I'm the "baby" of my family. Being the baby keeps you as the one that never gets old. My dad has admitted that at 76 he had enjoyment of stating his youngest was in her 30's. Not anymore:( Sorry Dad.

But by mid-day, I pulled up my big girl undies and said, "ok, let's make the most of it." I got out into the yucky weather for a sassy hair cut, bought a large bottle of wine, something yummy to treat myself to, a book I ordered was on my doorstep so I settled into a hot tub for awhile and did what made me feel better.

I think at this moment I am at peace with 40. I needed time to hurdle this one mentally. Tomorrow I will be 40 plus one day so it will get easier. I will think of what I have at 40 and not what I have not...and I do have a lot. I am grateful for such great kids, family, friends and loved ones that know me, care about me and just love me for me.

I'll wear 40 as a badge of honor. I think I've earned this one. I knew nothing at 30, I know so much more at 40 and by 50 I'm guessing the world will have to get outta my way cuz I might know everything:) and I plan to speak about it all!

Hugs & Kisses,

Jennifer

Remembering...

Lately I've been reading facebook updates from some young family members. Tween and teen girls that express a missing of their grandpa (my uncle) who passed away a few years ago now. It breaks my heart to read between the lines of how we all struggle with loss of a close loved one. It doesn't get easy at whatever age you are. But I especially want to share with these young girls a few thoughts of my own...things that I have learned along my 40 year path about life and death.

You see, when I was 8 I lost my mom. It took a few years before it really hit me and how much I missed her. Unfortunately, I didn't know then what I know today so I was one of those girls that made poor choices and searched hi and lo for who she was. I wondered if it would be easier if I had my mom to talk to - like I talk to my 11 year old daughter now and see how gracefully she is growing up.

In my 20's I went through loss again with my grandmother. She was an amazing woman! She taught me most of the craftiness that I am today. I spent summers and holiday breaks with her because I was the girl of the family and my dad knew I needed to have a woman figure to spend time with. My grandmother and I would sit and crochet, play Uno, sew and just talk. She "knew" me and now I think back and I now "know" her, too. She was so much love, she was so graceful and kind and generous. It was so easy for her.

When I got that phone call, I collapsed. She missed many Big Moments of my life! Getting married, my babies... But I know and I feel now that as I morned for so many years this missing...she was and is always there. I have allowed myself to be open to her presence, my mothers presence and also my dear friend Jill's presence who was gone at such a early age.

They are with me and I hear them cheering and encouraging me on. What I do each day in my life I don't just do for myself. I do it for my children...I do it for the women in my life who didn't have the courage, the time, the chance to do it. So if I could give advise to these young girls it would be this... in your quiet time, stop, close your eyes, breathe and open your heart to your Pop Pop. He's right there with you. Feel his hugs. Feel his warmth. See his smile. Hear his words. He wants "his girls" to live their lives happy, full of love and learning all along the way. Imagine him blowing you kisses from heaven. Imagine him when you are faced with uncertainty what would he tell you to do. He is there...just open your heart and mind.

It's ironic, because just this past weekend my dad was here (my uncle was his little brother) and we were talking about him. It's even hard for a man at 76. But as a woman...as one who once was a young girl/woman wishing for my mom to be back - wishing for my grandmother's advise...it wasn't until bigger events that I realized how much they are with me. So open your heart, close your eyes and imagine all their love, support, encouragement and feel him close to your heart.

Hugs and kisses!

Love,

Jennifer

(your welcome Uncle Wally! Love you, too:)