Six months since my last post. Time sure does fly by...having fun or not.
Here I stand (or sit really) over a year later from dealing with some of the most horrific events of my life (so far). I have watched many people come and go and I'm sure many more in the future.
I woke at 5am this morning. Only God knows why. I have a lot on my mind I guess you can say. Mostly I was sticking to my sheets and just couldn't deal with it any longer. (Enter crazy thoughts of that being a symptom of Lymphoma and this is the week for another CT scan follow up. Is it back? Please God no!) I google every ache and pain now. Maybe I've become a bit obsessed over the past 5 years with health concerns. But when you don't feel yourself and no blood test tells you otherwise you start to go a little obsessive.
Anyhow, I have no idea why I'm here or what I'm going to blog about. I feel as if I have accomplished nothing in this past year but waste time and blew the money I had. Now once again I'm standing at a crossroad. 39 years old and this sucks! Yes, I've been reminded that I have accomplished a lot. So please don't email me or post that I need to look at the brighter side. I do look at the brighter side. Ok, sometimes the overly optimistic, faithful to the core side...and when you get nothing...well...you get frustrated.
Here is where I will tell you all the things I am grateful for in my life:
• My fabulous children who keep me going everyday!
• My daughters silliness and the bond that we have with each other.
• My son and the leaps and bounds he has done in maturing his behavior towards me.
• My dear friends who continue to try and help me with words of encouragement.
• My parents who have their own aging health issues at hand but still support me in any way possible.
• My soon-to-be-ex-husband (takes forever for a divorce) and his sacrifices for us to keep on. Even in a sucky economy.
• My dear new friend and confidant:) You have shown me that I am lovable. Ok, maybe the whole package is hard to accept completely but atleast I know that I am lovable and capable to fully love, trust and accept someone...someday...if and when:)
I'd say I'm grateful for the house, the car, the food on the table but...well...we all are and those are so small to me at this time. The house for one thing...has to get sold. It has sucked me dry this year. The car...well...that is a sore reminder of a past mistake and still costs me each month...and more than it should. The food...it is essential. And I am grateful that each day I can make a meal for myself and my children and pray to God for the gratitude of nourishment to our bodies. (ok...maybe a little too much since I've pack on a few extra pounds lately and am cruelly reminded of how easy it is to put on and how stinking hard it is to get off...at 39! LOL)
Well, maybe this is what I was suppose to do this morning. Vent! Vent to all of you who read this blog. The crossroads? I have to find a full-time job at this point and simplify my life. I do love my business but I can do that on evenings and weekends. So...should anyone know of something...I am OPEN. There I have said it! Now let the doors of opportunity fly open and expel possibility all over.
Tomorrow is my 39th birthday. It is a day of celebration with those closest to me. I find myself reflecting today about my gifts and how grateful and blessed I am. I celebrate having yesterday, today and tomorrow in this body and mind. I celebrate how each day has defined me for the woman I am. I celebrate myself with my two children who have blessed me to be a mom and take on "mom's taxi mini van" with pride. I celebrate with family as I see and define it - my niece who has come to live with me and allow me to share my wisdom with her. I celebrate gifts of openness, compassion, encouragement, joy, happiness, patience, inspiration, kindness, letting go, sharing and more. But most importantly I celebrate LOVE. Love of another in a way that I was unable to love before. The love of a man that I now know how to accept love in return from. I celebrate this year with a heart that is so full that it is bursting with love. So many holes in my heart have been filled by him and two young boys. I celebrate how fortunate we all are that I have had the past experiences that I had and can now truly open my heart unconditionally to love and be the woman, mother, mentor, friend that I was meant to always be. As Valentine's Day comes soon, consider who and how you will show your love to the ones you love the most. This is the year to find your sappiness and express your love in every way possible. You may be surprised what gifts you will get in return.
Tis’ the time of year for waiting. Waiting in lines, waiting for Christmas, waiting for Santa…waiting. Waiting is so very hard to do. Sometimes you can wait an hour, a day, a month, a year or even a lifetime. It stinks to wait. Patience helps us wait, but there is only so much of that we each have. It is faith that keeps us waiting patiently. Faith that something good is about to happen. Faith that you’ll get through the line with no problems. Faith that you’ll get the gift that you’ve been waiting all year or forever for. Faith that "all good things come to those who wait."
Tis' the season for waiting…I’m waiting for something wonderful to come my way. Wrapped with a big red bow! A gift that has been in my dreams for a very long time. I can feel the anticipation, the excitement of something wonderful coming soon. So many prayers have been answered this year…why not a big one, too! I have faith that my waiting is over.
It’s amazing to me how you can be around family and/or friends and still feel alone. Even after 17 years of a relationship/marriage there were times during it that I felt alone. However, I have never felt so alone as I have over this past year. Even more alone now than I did during my treatments. At that time I had so many people around me helping and supporting me. I asked for help and I got it. Now I’m rebounding back and feeling more alone than ever. Maybe it’s because I’m not asking for as much help. And maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t know.
I’m so used to having someone to call or text. Someone to talk to about what is happening in my life. But right now I’m sitting alone and it feels weird. There are people that I’d like to call or text but I can’t. They are busy with their lives or work or they are out of my life now and no longer available to me. This is the single life and I’m not sure if I like it. I like being with someone. I like sharing my day to day, my hopes, dreams and fears with someone I care about and who cares about me. I’d like a friend, a lover, a companion, a partner in my life someday. I know it’s time for me to be comfortable alone but it’s not something that I want to do. It’s very hard after so long to be alone.
Sure there is dating and meeting new people. Apparently there are dating rules and I’m not familiar with them. I’m used to relationship and I know what it takes to be in relationship. I’ve learned that. Now I have something new to learn. It is nice to know that there are people out there who are happy to teach me. Sometimes I feel needy because I like to talk so often but that’s me – that’s how I am. I’m trying to adapt to new rules. It sort of stinks because what I want some people feel isn’t where I need to be right now. And who doesn’t hate it when someone else knows what you need better than you…especially when they are right. I now know I need to be alone with myself and ok with it. I sure hope it gets easier.
The mixture of emotions comes and goes from day to day still. There are some therapeutic ways of dealing with all of it that I intend to do again and again until the emotions subside and life moves on at a better pace. Apparently, this space in my heart isn’t to be filled by anyone else but me. Time for me…only…and alone.
Sometimes in life we are unsure of our purpose. Do you know your purpose? I mean “really” know your purpose. For some women it’s being a mother and a wife, spreading joy and nurturing to their family, your job may feel like your purpose but if it just feels like a job than it’s probably not your purpose. Some women can go day to day and not feel a pull towards their purpose. They can feel content in the life they have chosen. Not I. I’ve known for many years that I have a bigger purpose in my life. I just wasn’t sure what it was…until now.
It’s a combination of things that I believe in, feel strongly about and can change or make a difference in another’s life. It’s something that I am passionate about. Something that is simple but I love and feel that others can benefit from. It’s a gift that I can share.
I am a designer, a dreamer at heart. I love my children and feel that they can be inspired each and every day to follow their dreams. It’s when we are children that we have the biggest dreams for ourselves. It’s when we are children that we are told that we are not good enough and told that we should forget our dreams. Why? We can be what we dream to be. We can find the Prince Charming that we dreamed about as a little girl. If you are patient it will all come. The problem is that most of us are not patient.
Since we are not patient we tend to make hasty choices and decisions. We decide we aren’t good enough to do what we dreamed of doing and do something else. Maybe something that our parents think we should do. We decide that this man is the best we can get or that we can change him to be our Prince Charming. So this is it. But if we were patient and understand that all good things come in time then maybe all those choices were a part of a learning process. Decisions that we can grow from and learn more about ourselves and our true purpose.
Life is a journey. Do what you are passionate about. Make a difference in other’s lives. Be a leader in your life and let your children see how brave and courageous you really are. Don’t let anyone stop you from dreaming but most of all don’t let yourself stop you from making you dream into a reality.
I recently took a test to find out what my strengths are. I wasn’t surprised at all by the results. They say a lot about me. See for yourself:
Your Top Strength
Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.
Your Second Strength
Gratitude You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.
Your Third Strength
Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.
Your Fourth Strength
Capacity to love and be loved You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.
Your Fifth Strength
Forgiveness and mercy You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
Strength#6
Creativity, ingenuity, and originality Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.
Strength#7
Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.
Strength#8
Fairness, equity, and justice Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
Strength#9
Kindness and generosity You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.
Strength#10
Modesty and humility You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.
Strength#11
Bravery and valor You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.
Strength#12
Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.
Strength#13
Appreciation of beauty and excellence You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.
Strength#14
Leadership You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.
Strength#15
Love of learning You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.
Strength#16
Zest, enthusiasm, and energy Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.
Strength#17
Industry, diligence, and perseverance You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.
Strength#18
Perspective (wisdom) Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.
Strength#19
Humor and playfulness You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.
Strength#20
Social intelligence You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.
Strength#21
Curiosity and interest in the world You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.
Strength#22
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
Strength#23
Caution, prudence, and discretion You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.
Strength#24
Self-control and self-regulation You self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.
Sometimes in life you can find yourself standing there wondering where are you going, what are you doing, how are you going to get there. I feel myself at this point. After 2 months of taking it easy after chemo and radiation, my children have now started back to school and summer feels like it is almost over. My energy level and memory is improving but certainly not to the level that I’d like it to be. So what next with my life? I have felt a little out of balance lately and made personal goals to get this in check. My summer was a “boat” load of fun, but now it is time to focus on how I am going to take care of myself and my children from here on.
I’m a dreamer, a visual person. I have big plans for my solo life...lofty goals and high aspirations. I know I can do it. I have all the right people in place to help me get to where I want to be…where I dream to be. Life is worth the risk! The risk is worth the rewards! I have a second chance at my dreams coming true. I’m happy to realize this now instead of 20 yrs from now. I know anything is possible. I’ve learned that you can not depend on others to make you happy, to do the things you ask of them nor make your dreams come true. It is up to you and no one else. Along the way you can seek guidance but in the end it is only you who can make the biggest difference in your own life.
Life is a journey. I’ve hit some bumps along the way. There have been some road blocks and mountains to go over but it’s worth the ride. On this day, ask yourself if you have lived your dream. What if tomorrow life changed drastically for you...are you happy where you are, where you are going? What change can you make today to reach your goals?
Life is worth enjoying every minute, everyday. Worry about nothing, pray about everything. Open your heart to love and see what happens. Open yourself to change and see what opportunity comes about.
It’s been 7 weeks since my final radiation treatment. I’ve taken the time to get some much needed rest. Spent quality time with my children and friends and time to discover new people in my life. This summer’s goal for me has been to “Live, Love and Laugh”. Something that I haven’t done for a long time.
What does it mean to me to “Live”? To live is to feel alive. Not just breathing and waking every morning but really alive. To know the feeling of contentment. To be able to sit back and look around you and feel full of life. To watch children play and laugh, to listen to a bird chirp and take a moment to thank God for new life. To feel the wind blow against my face while on the back of a motorcycle and feel the free to what life has to offer. And to realize that life is going to be good and smile just believing it. This is what living feels like to me. How about you? Are you really alive?
What does it mean to me to “Love”? Love has always been different for me personally. My love has become more unconditional and when I give it – I give all of it. I made a conscious choice years ago to open my hear and to love everyone regardless of differences. Love my family, love my friends, love my clients, love people. Now when it comes to a more meaningful love – my love goes much deeper. It’s a love that is accepting, forgiving, trusting, giving, passionate and more to another level. It’s a love where I give all of my heart away. This love comes from deep within my heart and soul. What does love mean to you?
What does it mean to me to “Laugh”? “Laughter is the best medicine” rings so true to me. I haven’t laughed in a long time. I find myself laughing more and more each day and even though it takes my breath away because of the treatments and being short of breath it still feels so good to laugh again. Laughing at life, at thoughts, at others and at myself is helping me feel alive again. When was the last time you really laughed?