Step 1: Looking in the Mirror

Today, I looked in the bathroom mirror after my shower. I’ve looked at her before. I’ve looked at her everyday. But today was different. I noticed more of her. I looked beyond the dark circles around her eyes, the thinning hair, the disappearing eyebrows and eyelashes, the now permanent creases on her face from 38 years of living and 5 months of chemotherapy. She is beautiful – and I told her so today. She is amazing and full of life and possibility. She has learned a lot but has more to yet learn. She doesn’t need to hide anymore. She doesn’t need to wear a mask over who she is.

She deserves to be healthy. She deserves to take care of herself and put herself first. She deserves someone to love her for who she is and not who she was. She deserves to be heard and accepted of her opinions. She deserves to have everything life has to offer. She deserves to love herself and to be loved.

She is no longer that little girl missing her mommy. She is no longer that young teen taking physical and verbal abuse from young boys because of how she looks. She is no longer that young woman who doesn't know what love feels like because true love wasn't received while still young. She is letting go of all the hurt, sorrow, disappointment and pain that has been carried around for 38 years.

Today feels like spring...the perfect time to plant new seeds in my mind and see how they grow - to see how “she” grows. It is the perfect day to tell everyone that you love them but most importantly to tell yourself that you love YOU.

“Love is the highest form of acceptance, and judgment is the hard rejection of that acceptance.” – from the book Unattended Sorrow by Steven Levine

Time for Healing

My doctor informed me that my treatments are going very well. I am healing. Now, if only, I can heal my heart and my soul.

I have been using this time to reflect and get in touch with my true self. The funny thing is, I have been trying to do this for so many years. In a way, this crisis has been an odd blessing, it has given me the chance to really get to know myself. To let go of the old and the idea that you have to look and act a certain way to be loved or to love yourself.

I have always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman. Those who know me would certainly agree. But deep inside there was a little girl who just wanted to be taken care of. She just wanted her mommy to hold her and tell her everything will be ok. She mourned the death of her mother once again – for a final time. She has been mourning the death of forever love. Now this strong, independent little girl is learning to love herself, forgive herself and move on by herself should she have to.

I thank everyone who has been following my blog and continue to do so. I have not responded to your comments because I simply wasn’t ready to. I’m still not quite ready to, but I can only say thank you. My faith has wavered these few months and it still wavers today. However, from each one of you who loves me regardless of what you know or don’t know about me – you are a blessing and a knowing gift from God in my life.

There is still a lot of work to be done within me. With time my wounds will heal.
Many blessings...

Losing Faith

What is faith anyway? Why do people say “have faith”? I’ve tried having faith and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’ve prayed and it hasn’t gotten me what I prayed for. All it has gotten me is a big mess and more than I can handle. Don’t you just love the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can handle?” Well, He has. And if He thinks He’s doing it because He loves me – I have to question that.

I’ve been through some crap in my life, but now I’m so far stuck in crap that I can’t even dig my way out. I’m just stuck in it. Stuck facing all the choices, decisions, actions and words that I’ve done over the years. I can’t take anything back. I can’t change what I have done to myself and to people I love. I’ve tried changing myself and finding faith to believe in - only to find myself at a crossroad in life wondering why. Why me? Why all of this at one time? Why?

Forgiveness

This week has been an emotional one. I have a lot of forgiveness to do someday. But today I was able to give someone else my true forgiveness. Someone that I love dearly and allowed differences to get in the way of a great friendship. It feels good to open my heart and see what comes in. It especially feels good to know how much someone really loves you - when you need it the most. It feels good to know that there is someone who will drop anything and come from miles away if I need them to. It feels good for a moment to not feel alone.

The Climb Lyrics by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin, but
There's a voice inside my head sayin
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
That sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about whats waitin on the other side
Its the climb

The struggles I'm facin
The chances I'm takin
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
That sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
Its the climb
Yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
That sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
Its the climb
Yeah yeah

Keep on movin
Keep climbin
Keep the faith, baby
Its all about, its all about the climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa, whoa



(...thank you for the inspiration Miley. Even if you are only 17...)

New Life

Inside of me a part of myself is dying. I feel like a flower withering in the cold. Winter is coming to a close and spring is coming soon. I'm not sure who or how I'll be when this is over. Somedays I wish I could fast forward to just get a glimpse. "Patience" is whispered in my ear.
New life may take on a new meaning this year.

A Simple Life

I am as guilty as many other women. I was driven by wanting. Wanting a bigger house, nicer car and clothing - better things. This was how I was raised. I came from a middle class, NJ family. I was the youngest and only girl so I got it all. One pout and my daddy got me what I wanted. I remember crying over needing an outfit for my Barbie doll and daddy took me to the store to pick something out. Maybe he was doing it out of guilt that my mother died when I was young or this was his only way of showing his love to me. Anyhow, my husband was left to clean up this mess. He grew up as an only child. His parents didn’t have much so when he got something new – it was more than likely used from a yard sale. It’s funny how much we are defined by our upbringing.

Before getting sick, I spent the previous year or so simplifying my life. Or so I thought I was. Now I am faced with real simplifying – getting down to what really matters – the basics of life. It is an emotional realization. A part of you knows what you have to let go of yet the other part wants to keep holding on. It was easy to call the cable company and cut back to basic cable. It’s not so easy to call the broker and cash in the IRA’s that you thought you’d have when you retired. Once I make the call to shut off the phone number to my business line - then I know it is real.

When it gets down to survival then it’s getting a simpler life weather you want it or not. I asked God to help me a year ago to define a simpler life. Above is what I came up with.

It’s been hanging by my desk for quite some time now. I have worked on all of these areas of my life. Or so I thought. Oprah has dedicated entire weeks and episodes to this subject. Many people are feeling it right now. Maybe you are one of them. It doesn’t matter how much YOU want to simplify – your EGO still gets in the way.

I have hidden behind the stuff for way too long. When everything is striped away – what’s left is what really matters - my family, my friends, my health. Now that is simple.